Saturday, January 24, 2009

ghost, ghost, i know you live within me_

i'm slowly picking my arms out of the sleeves of this jacket, putting a red in my mouth, thinking about lighting it soon, and enjoying this atmosphere here- the night that's trapped inside my room fresh upon my face, drenching my fingertips that type these very words that run on and on and on.

to watch the morning paper blow
into a hole where no one can escape.

i've got my notebooks piled up on the outer edges here, a shirt dripping off my shoulders. i can feel the bones poking out- sometimes i skip meals for peppermints and paragraphs. you can't stop me mom. nothing else has before.

the sheets here look like tides sometimes, and i know i've wronged you all in certain ways. such as i'd much rather think about climbing into my own dark secret, like my bed, then staying out late with a crowd of you. i like those thoughts spinning around dry in there, even your emotions, pink faces that frame the memories we've grown- but only do i like them in doses. i like big, dark secrets to hide under, in masses. i'm sorry for never giving an effort for reconcile. / i guess the second you figured it was a problem, was the second i let you figure what you want. / i'm sorry for the promises that my heart tries to make but my unmotivated muscles find new ways to always break / but ultimately, i'm not let down by all of you. and you cannot let yourself be, due to me. i will find something else. not ever necessarily something better. only something else. and you'll do the same. /

/ it's not like i've never had these parts of me. /
/ it's just that they were never important to you before. /

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