Sunday, January 11, 2009

i once had marigolds for eyes___ _ _ __ _

i adore, i abhor, i ignore, i restore with something else.

and all the things i had said in the past aren't tainted just because they have now reached their expiration date. they'll never stop meaning what they had meant, simply because the tables have turned. i'm not mad. i had an experience.

i can't be angry because i let my self risk the disappointments i am now faced with. i can't be angry. i can't be angry when someone is not what i assumed they were. and it's not wrong of me not to care when i can't fulfill anyone elses's own home-grown expectation of me. I can't call it quits when any person or group of people lose their interest in something important to me, and i don't confuse storms with a rain. i know what's hard and what's just a quick jump to overcome. i understand that i am not the combined efforts of every person whom i've met, known, or interacted with in any form. sorry, chuck. i am a creation of what i feel, based on who, what, and where i am inspired or discouraged, not every person i've allowed myself to share a substantial time with. i am not primarily a subject of that which i love,but all that i've learned are worth loving because of someone else, and that which i will never find a way to become in the same way as they are. i am basic and extensive, courageous and vulnerable, a thief of some that were once authentic and now has been made so in my own form. i am not a best friend, a girlfriend, a classmate, a daughter, a sister, a number on your top, a comment on a blog, a picture, a website, something i've said to you in the past or anything i will eventually say to you tomorrow. i may not be more important than each, and i may turn out to be such greater accumulation than those, but i do not solely exist as a brand of relation to someone. i am more than the line that connects us, and you are more then the very thin line that traces you to me.

so let me sink into the great miscalls that indefinitely shape who we all are. my life finds a new way to restart any day it feels suited to.

don't ever ask me where i go,

just thought i oughtta let you know

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